Surrender

Learning the healthy way to surrender.

It’s cathartic. It’s uncomfortable. It’s worth it, because -I am- worth it.

In the past couple of weeks I have been finding my way down to a more mindful life. And no, it’s not about extreme yoga poses in front of a cute place, it’s not about being vegan or pretending that nothing else matters. It’s actually quite the opposite as I find out, it’s a rough and worthy path to walk. As I mentioned in my last post, I struggle with certain feelings that encourage my self sabotage and even pull me far from my dreams. I am frustrated that I can’t focus my attention to ONE thing as I see most people do and maybe embracing I have very different passions. I wanted to fit in this fantastic invisible box, as I saw others do.  In order to get the life I want and work in the passions I have, I realized I needed to have a lighter heart. To have a mindful lifestyle means to be open to the goodies and the not so good sides of you, to accept you have been hurt and that you have caused pain to others, to surrender the ego and open your mind to what needs to change, in order to evolve.

When I was a teen, my mom used to tell me that I should -never- surrender, no matter the situation or the adversary. What I didn’t got from that, is that it works in certain times in life. But what if the adversary you are looking at is hidden in your reflection? Those old crappy regrets or stuff that is still in the back of the mind. Because the mind will instinctively remind you of the bad stuff first so you stay alive, BUT here is where the interesting part begins… we need to LISTEN. Yes, we need to open our ears and be ready to listen what our body has to tell us. “What makes me feel uncomfortable? What I actually don’t want to agree to do anymore? What are the dreams I really want to pursue? What are the chains I will break? What I am grateful for today?” We need to surrender and put aside the armor we have been wearing, it’s scary to sit down in silence and open the pandora box we have inside. But it’s necessary.  It’s important to be able to recognize which ones are OUR thoughts and the ones we have adopted, and remind ourselves -why- we care. 

Most of my life I have thought that being a perfectionist was a great deal, and yes sometimes it does help me big time. But the more the time goes by, the more I identify this trait of mine doesn’t really help me much. Because I tend to not take many risks until I feel comfortable, I have throw away ideas I was passionate about because I figured I was not good enough or that my craft was not there yet. I struggle with the thought that my work is not “perfect” or close enough to the vision I had so I could share it with the world. But hey, the whole point here is not get depressed over what has limited my potential. I have dedicated more time to be aware, to learn how to breathe and to pay attention to what my body says and how it wants to guide me. The gut is known to be the voice of your animal instinct, that one that sometimes sounds too anxious or exaggerated, but the majority of the time..  it’s right.

In my personal journey as I mentioned before, I have learned to find tricks to mind hack myself. From finding my -zone- to work my best to balancing the time between work and play. I have learned to track my time. How much time do I actually work when I sit down? How much of that time my head is in full concentration mode? What can I do to feel my best? Do I need less sugar or caffeine, maybe more water? 

When the body feels sick, it send you signals that we interpret as “symptoms”. The issue nowadays is that people tend to mute those signals with pills. And it’s the same with the ego! What is hurting us that makes us have a reaction in our body? Is it regret, envy or maybe frustration? Ask yourself, why am I having these feelings?  How are you going to be proactive about it? Its like, if you find out that all this time your hand has been in great pain because you didn’t realize you have been grabbing this piece of wood on fire. And finally, recognize that the answer is to (get ready for it) LET IT GO! Are you ready to take actions towards it?

One tends to lean on the sad feelings, but to be honest its so much easier to say, “I didn’t have the same opportunities because _____”. “I am not successful because ______”. But what about the “lovework” we owe to ourselves? I recently adopted this new made up word that my therapist shared with me the other day. I wanted to know if there was some homework to do before our next session. She answered, “Unfortunately I have no homework for you to do this week, but I have a some -lovework- for you to try.” When I heard that, I got it! Sometimes when we feel we have errands to do they become boring and even tiring to do. But when they are something I catalog in my mind as yummy to do for myself, like going for a hike, it becomes WAY easier and actually makes me look forward to it. 

So what about if -just for today- you surrender the soul to what really matters in life? 

Recently I read something I really loved and would like to share with you. Something that I like to practice especially when my day starts and ends. I’m not a morning person and sometimes by the end of the day I just tend to be a hater cat in the corner with judging eyes… anyways, here is it:

“Just for today, I will let go of fear.
Just for today, I will let go of worry.
Just for today, I will look at others with compassion.
Just for today, I will count my MANY blessings (find five of them in your life even if you feel in the deepest hole of sadness. If you pay attention enough they will start showing up in front of you.)
Just for today, I will be kind to every living creature. Especially, to me.”

— Anonymous

Just for today, surrender to what needs to evolve in you. Create space for the new things to come. 

Just for today, remember to be kind to yourself.

Much love, 

L.

Perceptions

Hi, we might not know each other, yet. I have talk in the past about a project I have been developing, I named “New Perspective”. But I haven’t really share about where this project comes from. And I guess another bigger question attached to it, who am I?

My name is Lilian. Welcome to my journey.

I am a 28 yo Mexican ex-pat based in Los Angeles. A graphic designer by profession and a digital artist by election even tho, I wear many hats in the film industry nowadays. 

I have lived my life in a very nomadic way as I have share before. I never really felt to fit anywhere, but I enjoyed every single step and every single place I have called home. For my first 14 years of life I was an only child and always felt more comfortable being surrounded by older people. I liked to observe people in my surroundings and learn. I grew up like any other child, trying to figure out where should I go and what to dedicate my life to. My passions were creative, my spirit wild and my household let me fly at my speed with the lessons they could hand me.

I learned to be independent, I learned  that to listen I need to shut up. That to find love, I needed to give me the chance to heal and stand up by myself. I needed to create the gravity that would pull me towards my destiny and I never thought that I would flourish in so many springs in different ways. I guess I also wanted to ignore that to born again, one needs to die or at least, a part of you. This is where “New Perspective” comes to life. 

Creativity brings light to my soul when I see the darkest moments coming, it gives me the tools to see life in a better way. You see, what you see in this photo is a woman who struggles with her mental health since she is a child. She is a human who is scared to trust, who knows what betrayal is in both sides of the street. I’ve been stigmatized for my preferences to love and tagged by professionals in the mind field. I struggle with a gift and a burden with the name of Borderline Personality Disorder. That brings many great treats to the table and create some chaos to even have a table in first place. There are days when depression beats me to the floor, fed by old stories some have told me in the past, that I ended up believing too. 

BPD is not only bad news, I have the unique experience to perceive the world in such an intense way. How I can describe it best is this way; some people can see around 10 colors and I can see another 20. I’m highly intuitive and detail oriented, I’m good with people and at listening. Sometimes I am too shy too, because I can get hurt easily, but then again, I am incredibly resilient, versatile and multi talented. I get bored very fast, I need challenges to feed my ambition to grow wiser. Without scarifying being happy.

I wanted to share my art in a particular way. Trends don’t really attract me, I need a content and a message to send, because I realized I want to help others. I wanted to work on topics that I have a connection to, I wanted to do it with the support of my community. I figured it could be a way to show other people that their lives matter. I chose Domestic Violence. Something I have a long history with, something I’m still trying to heal and move on. I had the fortune to know -someone- who connected me to the -where- and the -subjects- so the next step I could unavoidably do, was to jump and try it. Before I knew it, I realized that I was a natural story teller with hunger to change people’s perceptions over uncomfortable topics. I realized then that I was not afraid, because when I work on it I become my passion, and my blood starts bumping faster because my heart is happy. In order to evolve one needs to have a change and that is not always bad. -Change- is the only thing we have in this life for a fact. A precious gift that give us have a thousand new pages to learn from.

Things have took way longer than what I planned in the beginning, but this project has gave me way more than what I expected. It gave me the chance to mirror myself on women who have walked the same path. I found mentors that welcomed me with open arms and no judgements to share. With time, I would recognize dusty and very heavy memories in my mind that I have been carrying all this years. Ironically, I started this project because I wanted to show them my admiration, to celebrate life and to move on to a different perspective in respect of the Domestic Violence topic. And I ended up opening my eyes to things I decided to ignore and I needed to heal, I got reminded that I need to show myself admiration and to celebrate my life too. This project became part of my skin.

Domestic Violence has many faces and can hurt you in very different ways. It not always includes physical memories or even need to be directed to you. It still affects you as a witness and as a subject to emotional, psychological and physical pain. There are scars that no one can see inside my smile, there are many tears hidden in my eyes. But it’s my choice to not be OR become what I was told I was, it’s MY choice to be happy and to love. I will not change my good nature, I will nurture this world however I can find the way to do it with small and big attempts. 

You see, all my life I have been scared of being naked to the world and let them know my private pains. In four weeks I will have ended another journey around to the sun. And to be honest, I just realized it a couple of days ago and started thinking about it, what were the gifts that my 28th year gave me? This year have hurt so much because I needed to open old wounds to heal from the core. But in the other hand, I reinforced friendships, took risks and learned so damn much! I’m still scared of many things, but I choose to be fearless and be as uncomfortable as possible, so I can learn new limits and find hidden paths with mentors waiting to teach me things I should pay attention to.

Where am I going? I have no idea, but I am decided to make the best out of every day to come. Let’s heal, breathe and take a moment to listen the song of the wind and it’s secrets. 

Much love,

Lilly.